Chapitre 26. Une histoire de caca
AVERTISSEMENT. Cette histoire contient du vocabulaire de type pipi caca ainsi que des détails de déjection personnels pouvant ne pas convenir aux gens très convenables. Vous êtes prévenus.
Si vous ne le saviez pas, Sam a refait complètement la plomberie de Pablo, réinstallé des toilettes et les réservoirs qui viennent avec.
-Attends, avant de partir faut que j’aille pour un numéro 2… Ça presse.
-Que je te vois boucher ma toilette, madame ”Je Suis Pas Régulière”.
-On parle vraiment de ça? C’est pas ma faute! Je suis de même, ça fait 5 jours que j’y suis pas allée… Monsieur “J’ai Jeté Une Lingette De Mateo Dedans Et J’ai Moi-Même Un Peu Bouché Ma Propre Toilette Neuve.”
-Parlons pas de ça.. Je m’en veux assez, marmonne Sam.
-Ben c’est ça, parlons pas de mes besoins non plus.
-On va devoir passer 2 ponts à bascules aujourd’hui et quelques ponts fixes.
-Fixes? Ben là, on passes-tu?
-C’est marqué que la hauteur est 65 pieds.
-Notre mât fait combien de pieds?
-Nos infos du bateau disent 64 pieds.
-FFFFUUUUUU..&&?&?%?$?KKKK!!!
-Ouin…
De un
Arrivé au fameux pont, on regarde avec les jumelles pour voir l’indicateur de hauteur selon la marée, simple panneau sur le pont avec les hauteur graduées. 64 et demi. Goulp!!! Pas rassurant.
On ralenti, Sam à la barre, je suis assise sur le pont, regardant en haut de notre mat notre antenne de VHF et indiquant à Sam ce qui se passe. La vue est épouvantable, on voit le mât, le pont s’approcher et, vu la hauteur, il est impossible de savoir si on est proche de toucher ou pas, tout ce que je peux voir c’est si l’antenne passe ou pas :
Ce n’est pas notre bateau. Mais c’est la vue en passant sous un pont et en se disant BORDEL!
-On passe… on passe… on passe… on passe… ON EST PASSÉS!
Je rentre dans le cockpit les jambes molles.
-Sam… dis-je les yeux pleins d’eaux, faut que j’aille faire un petit caca mou de stress.
-Pas de trouble. Le prochain pont fixe est dans deux miles.
***
De deux
Deux miles plus tard:
En bas à droite, le panneau gradué par la marée donnant la hauteur du pont. Dur de décider de la précision de tout ça.
-Ok Sam. Je vois dans les jumelles que la hauteur du prochain pont est de 64 pieds… On passe pile poil.
-On est passé à 64.5, on est sûrement correct pour 64, dit Sam.
Goulp… je regarde le haut du mât et voit le pont s’approcher:
-On passe… on passe… on passe… on passe… ON EST PASSÉS!
Nouveau petit tour pour faire un caca de stress.
Matey lui ne s’en fait pas pour la hauteur du pont. Caca de stress ou pas.
***
De trois
28 miles nautiques, 6 ponts fixes et 6 petits caca mous plus tard :
-Ok. Cass? Il parait que le prochain pont à Daytona est en construction. Je sais pas trop de quoi ça a l’air, ya pas d’infos plus précises.
-Eh merde! (jeu de mot volontaire) Attends je check dans les jumelles….
Mon coeur se serre.
-Sam… Je vois même pas la barre du 64 pieds… Ça veut dire que c’est dans le range des 63 pieds. Et il y a une genre de structure pour les constructions qui doit bien enlever une certaine hauteur!
-On va mesurer, dit Sam calme et posé, sûrement pour me rassurer. Peut-être que la mesure qu’on a au registre inclut un buffer.
Sam avec la vitesse d’un Ninja ceinture dorée 25ème dan, attache un gallon à mesurer à une drisse et hisse en haut du mât. 55 pieds. Il redescend et recommence. 55 pieds. Il rajoute 2 pieds pour la chance. Il mesure la hauteur du pont à l’eau. 4 pieds. Il re-mesure pour être certain. 4 pieds. On ajoute 1 pied pour les vagues. Ça fait 60 pieds. On se dit que l’antenne et les instruments doivent faire 2 pieds. On ajoute 1 pied de plus pour être encore plus certains. 63 pieds.
Sam me regarde et déclare:
-On attend marée basse dans 1 heure pour gagner un demi pied et on y va.
1 heure plus tard on arrive au pont et….
-On passe….on passe…on pass…ON TOUCHE!!!
L’antenne gratouille le pont. CRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Elle plie, à peine, mais on entend l’écho du frottement. Ça semble interminable.
-ON TOUCHE!!! ON TOUCHE!!! ON EST PASSÉÉÉÉS…..
Je rentre dans le cockpit, blême.
-Capitaine. Jurez-moi que c’était le dernier pont aujourd’hui?
-Oui. Tu peux aller faire un petit caca nerveux Cass.
-Oui Capitaine…
À toutes les diététiciennes du monde, naviguer l’Intracostal en Floride avec un mât de 64 pieds est bien meilleur que n’importe quelle diète riche en fibre – et la toilette neuve de Sam ne sera assurément pas bouchée par moi, je vous le promet – parce qu’il s’est fait chier en masse à refaire toute cette plomberie là.
Une fois à Vero Beach, Cass a monté dans le mât et il fait bel et bien … 64 pieds.
À propos de nos toilettes
Pour ceux qui aimeraient encore lire sur nos histoires de caca, sachez qu’on a fait énormément de travail de plomberie sur Pablo.
Je me rappelle encore de la fois où j’ai reçu un texto de Sam alors qu’il était seul sur le chantier et qui me disait : “J’ai fini de sabler le socle. J’ai de la merde plein la face. J’espère que tu passes une bonne journée.”
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